Hot Shot Lawyer

genital gluing is all the rage nowadays.  you’ve all heard about the dude who had his ass glued to a toilet seat in a home depot restroom, right?  well, today i read that a jealous woman in PA not only glued her ex’s genitals to his abdomen, but also super glued his buttocks together!  a jury awarded the poor guy $46,200 for pain and suffering and emotional distress.  despite the disturbing nature of these incidents, i can’t help but wonder whether any of the glue manufacturers are planning to capitalize on the situation.  are any of the companies gonna come out and say something like "only elmer’s glue is strong enough to keep your ass glued together, buy elmer’s."  i don’t know about the rest of you, but i’m certainly impressed with the potency.  back in the day, i couldn’t get a freakin’ picture to stay on a collage. now glues are strong enough to adhere butt cheeks.  awesome!  thoughts?   

i recently saw the updated version of charlie and the chocolate factory.  naturally, my favorite character was augustus gloop – aka fat ass or fatty fatty chicken patty for those who haven’t yet seen the movie.  i think what i liked most about augustus was his uncanny ability to say highly inappropriate things and get away with it scot free.  i mean could you imagine how i would be received if i walked up to some stranger and said “i’m laurence hasson.  i love your chocolate.”  or alternatively, if i commented about how “i taste sooo good.”  in this day and age i couldn’t get away with either of these remarks without being slapped either physically or figuratively with a sexual harassment lawsuit.  thus i applaud augustus for having the so-called chocolate salty balls to exercise his constitutional right to free speech – its how our forefathers would have wanted it.  any thoughts?             

i’ve got some unfortunate news for all you lawyers / lawyers-in-training and doctors / doctors-in-training (aka most of the people i know - oddly).  a recent survey on salary.com indicates that lawyers rank 10th on the list of sexiest jobs.  firefighters, flight attendants, and CEOs hold the top three spots.  doctors rank 9th.  geez man, who took part in this freakin’ survey?  let me guess…firefighters, um…flight attendants, and hmm…CEOs.  we gotta do something about this people - i don’t know about the rest of you, but i didn’t go to law school to be marginally sexy…comments?